The Power of Vulnerability

Recently, a friend sent me a video to watch titled "The Power of Vulnerability," by researcher Brene Brown. My first reaction was, "Ok, here we go again."

The command to "be weak" has been a theme for me. You see I like to have everything under control and be strong for myself and those around me. However, a good friend and mentor told me my freshman year of college to "just be weak." She told me to stop fighting for survival and to let the Lord step in. I turned to this Scripture then and still do over and over again: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. In the margin of my Bible this is written, "challenge: just be weak." I have struggled over and over again to be weak and to remember that Christ's grace is sufficient for me, and that through my weaknesses Christ's strength is shown.

This 20 minute talk by Brene Brown, was not from a Christian worldview, but it spoke to the very core of who I am. She first said that one of her professors in her social work program told her that in the social work field you have to, "lean into the discomfort of the work." The work being people's and even your own issues, the stuff that isn't pretty and that hurts.
 Brene said that connection is why we're here and what we all want, but shame and fear stand in the way of that all too often. She did 6 years of research and found there are people out there who do not live in fear and shame. They are what she calls "whole hearted" people. This is what they have in common:

• Courage - to tell the story of who they are, who they really are.
• Compassion - towards themselves and others
• Connection - with other people as a result of authenticity
• VULNERABILITY - they realize that what makes them vulnerable also makes them beautiful. They accept their story and the beauty of it.

I started thinking about my story and other people's story. I realized that there is nothing beautiful about our stories if Christ is not the hero, the one who steps in and saves the day. The one who offers rescue, restoration, and freedom. To allow Him to make us a new creation as 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "the old has gone, the new has come!" Without Him, our stories are simply episodes of a reality show where we over and over again try to fix our own problems.

As I think of my own story and all the ways I've changed and grown, I recognize that every ounce of growth started with a seed of vulnerability, with myself, with others, and with the Lord. Vulnerability spurred me on and opened me up to allowing the Lord to rock my world and change my life and who I am.

Some of you know that the Lord has called me to international missions, and I am in the beginning stages of heading to the mission field. I am looking at opportunities to focus on mentoring and discipleship among youth and women. More than anything I want to teach those I'm with to be vulnerable with the Lord, the Creator and Perfecter of this world. I want to walk with them as they make themselves vulnerable to the Lord, to themselves, and to those around them. I have realized that we all have to be vulnerable to truly grow, no matter how much that scares us. 

I also mentor several girls in the youth group at my church, and try to pour into the lives of all the students in the ministry. My prayer for them is to be vulnerable, with themselves, with me, with the other girls in the group, with the youth group, and most importantly with the Lord. I want them to get it and to grow. To open themselves up to change and growth. To not sit and be stuck.

As I'm writing this I'm listening to Hillsong UNITED's new album Zion. The song Heartbeats is playing and the chorus stuck out to me as opening oneself up to being very vulnerable. It says:

I want You, need You

I love You Jesus
My heart beats forever
Just to know You
Let go and throw
My future into Your hands
Again

To say, "I want to 'Let go and throw my future in Your hands," is kind of a big deal, and kind of scary if I'm honest. It makes me vulnerable to the Lord and trusting that He will provide and take care of me. But that is my prayer for myself and for others, "Lord let me let go and throw my future into Your hands."

Hillsong UNITED's Heartbeats:

Watch Brene's talk:

Oh how I've grown up....

For those of you who do not know, I am in the process of applying to a mission organization, SIM, to spend two years or more in another country. Years ago the Lord put on my heart the desire to "preach the Gospel to all nations." This post isn't necessarily about my call to the mission field, but more about things I have learned, seen, and remembered through this process of applying to SIM, and I'm sure there will be more to come.

First of all I have aged. That may sound like an obvious statement, but sometimes i have to remind myself of that. I'm 23, not super old, but I'm no longer the 15 year old who went on her first mission trip and felt a tug on her heart. Nor am I the the 17 year old who went on another mission trip and started to grapple with what it looks like to fully surrender your life, and your future to the Lord. I am not the 18 year old high school graduate who set out for her first summer away from home, to serve with a youth mission camp. Or the 18/19 year old who started her first semester of college and found herself hitting rock bottom. And I am definitely not the 20 year old who had just unknowingly finished her last summer with the same camp. I'm not the same girl who walked across the stage to receive her college diploma when she was 21. Im not even the same girl who made stupid decisions just two weeks ago (not to say i will never make another dumb decision). Praise God He does not leave us in one place, but continues to grow us, change us, and mold us to look more like Him.

And while all this change sounds good and like a gift from God (which it was and still is), it was not always easy. In fact, I would say it was rarely easy. There we miserable days and sleepless nights. Nights of crying before the Lord, begging for His mercy and grace. Other nights of not even being able to utter a word. I walked around weighed down by guilt and shame. Feeling insecure, not really knowing "who" I was. I learned what it meant to truly have a repentant spirit, and that doesn't always feel good. I learned to forgive and not harbor bitterness within me. I learned to let go and move on. I learned to let loose and not be so serious. I never would have broken out into dance like I am known to do now.

I feel like so many people I looked up to and respected only knew me when I was so young in my faith, young in my healing process, and really just young period. In their mind I'm probably still the same teenager who was insecure, hadn't dealt with her past, didn't know how to handle her emotions, ended up hurting a lot of people around her.

I have the lyrics to Brandon Heath's song "I'm not who I was" running through my head. His lyrics that say,"I wish you could see me now I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was" are so often what I want to tell people. To tell those who caught me at my lowest and didn't understand why or how I could be acting the way I did. To tell those that I've lost communication with, "I'm not who I was."

But then there are those people who have stuck around to see the process. I'm so glad I have witnesses to this because some days I wouldn't believe it myself. There are days when I mess up and feel like I'm the same rock bottom teenager, and those people whether in person, through a note, via text or phone call remind me that I have grown up and I'm not who I was, and next week I won't be who I am today.
Thank you Jesus for the ways you transform my heart everyday to look more like Yours!