First of all I have aged. That may sound like an obvious statement, but sometimes i have to remind myself of that. I'm 23, not super old, but I'm no longer the 15 year old who went on her first mission trip and felt a tug on her heart. Nor am I the the 17 year old who went on another mission trip and started to grapple with what it looks like to fully surrender your life, and your future to the Lord. I am not the 18 year old high school graduate who set out for her first summer away from home, to serve with a youth mission camp. Or the 18/19 year old who started her first semester of college and found herself hitting rock bottom. And I am definitely not the 20 year old who had just unknowingly finished her last summer with the same camp. I'm not the same girl who walked across the stage to receive her college diploma when she was 21. Im not even the same girl who made stupid decisions just two weeks ago (not to say i will never make another dumb decision). Praise God He does not leave us in one place, but continues to grow us, change us, and mold us to look more like Him.
And while all this change sounds good and like a gift from God (which it was and still is), it was not always easy. In fact, I would say it was rarely easy. There we miserable days and sleepless nights. Nights of crying before the Lord, begging for His mercy and grace. Other nights of not even being able to utter a word. I walked around weighed down by guilt and shame. Feeling insecure, not really knowing "who" I was. I learned what it meant to truly have a repentant spirit, and that doesn't always feel good. I learned to forgive and not harbor bitterness within me. I learned to let go and move on. I learned to let loose and not be so serious. I never would have broken out into dance like I am known to do now.
I feel like so many people I looked up to and respected only knew me when I was so young in my faith, young in my healing process, and really just young period. In their mind I'm probably still the same teenager who was insecure, hadn't dealt with her past, didn't know how to handle her emotions, ended up hurting a lot of people around her.
I have the lyrics to Brandon Heath's song "I'm not who I was" running through my head. His lyrics that say,"I wish you could see me now I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was" are so often what I want to tell people. To tell those who caught me at my lowest and didn't understand why or how I could be acting the way I did. To tell those that I've lost communication with, "I'm not who I was."
But then there are those people who have stuck around to see the process. I'm so glad I have witnesses to this because some days I wouldn't believe it myself. There are days when I mess up and feel like I'm the same rock bottom teenager, and those people whether in person, through a note, via text or phone call remind me that I have grown up and I'm not who I was, and next week I won't be who I am today.
Thank you Jesus for the ways you transform my heart everyday to look more like Yours!
